The Wall

Luckily, I haven’t had any bad experiences with other people over me being gay (maybe some awkward ones, but nothing overtly negative). I realize this is pretty rare, but I think it can be explained by a couple factors. First, western Washington is relatively gay-friendly compared to other parts of the U.S. (Lewis county excluded . . .). Second, I don’t fit the typical image/stereotype/conceptions people have of gay people and so I easily slip underneath their gaydar. And third, I have what I call my defensive ‘wall’. 

I think many other gay people have this wall, or something similar to it, so I thought it would be a good topic to write about. Of course, I can only write from my own experiences and perspective, and I guess it’s probably different for other people, but hopefully I can shed some light on this topic (any other gay people reading this and who want to share own experiences about this, please comment - I'd love to hear what you have to say).

The thing about coming out is that it’s a continual process - even if you’re ‘out’, you’re still meeting new people who have no clue that you’re gay, and you have no idea how they’re going to react once they find out or you tell them. As a result of this, and considering that I rather not find myself on the receiving end of a bad reaction, I’ve constructed my ‘wall’ and it’s served remarkably well to protect so far.

When I first meet someone and don’t know how they feel about gay people, they’re officially outside of my ‘safe zone’. They’re on the other side of my wall, so to speak (also note, I mean safe in the sense of 'safe to let them know I'm gay and they won't react badly', not in the 'will they beat me up', though that's not to say that's totally off the radar with some more extreme characters). That is, while I may be up for hanging out with said person, I’m not ready to mention that I’m gay to them, and will avoid discussions centered around the topic. This is because I don’t want to: 1) have to deal with a bad, negative reaction in person and be put in a vulnerable position, 2) have them write me off based on possible negative preconceptions they may have of gay people, before they even get to know me, and 3) have my being gay the first thing they associate with me. Another part of my defense has been to avoid situations that have the potential to go badly. In my past, I was borderline paranoid about putting myself in these situations. For example, a couple years ago, I finally went to church for the first time since I was seven, but only after e-mailing them anonymously from a specially created e-mail account to ask them if their position on gay people. I guess I had this fear that as soon I’d walk in the door, everyone would point at me and scream “GAY!”. I’ve since become less paranoid, thanks to a wonderful Christian group at college that’s been absolutely amazing (and is within my safe zone) and that I’m a part of. I’m still a bit nervous about finding a church though and participating in Christian groups outside of my safe zone (with the exception of explicitly gay-friendly churches, like the Episcopalian, UCC, and Quaker churches in town - let it be known though that I’d go to a church or group that holds a Side B position as well, and have).

So, how do I determine who’s in my safe zone and who isn’t? Unless I know already that the person will be okay with me being gay, often times I have little to go off of. In that case, even the smallest comments are taken into consideration. If someone mentions they have a gay friend, they say something supportive of gay people, or how they disapprove of homophobia, that’s usually a good sign. If someone says, “That’s so gay!” repeatedly, then it’s going to take a lot to get them into my safe zone. Even more outright homophobic comments, statements that they think gay people are conspiratorially trying to destroy Western civilization, and use the six-lettered f-word will put them straight into my un-safe zone and I’ll just avoid that person from then on. Of course, I’ve found that while the wall has protected me, it’s also not exactly conducive to dialogue and if I don’t take risks on my part, not much dialogue is going to happen, which has been something I've had to work on.

Also, my wall doesn't mean I'm in the closet or exactly hiding the fact that I'm gay from people. I figure they find out on facebook, someone else tells them, it gets casually mentioned in a group situation, or I tell them once I've gotten to know them and they're in my safe zone.

For straight Christians who want to break past this wall that gay people, Christian and non-Christian, may have, I’d offer the following advice. First, find some way to get across that you’re a safe person to be around and open up to. For me, it was when the Christian group I was in played a documentary called “Lord Save Us From Your Followers”, which urged a more compassionate approach towards gay people. Also, if you want to invite a gay person to a youth group or a church, realize that they might not feel comfortable with that. It might be better in that situation to establish yourself as a safe person to open up to before making an invitation. Speaking out when others make homophobic comments can be huge. Chances are, you know someone who is gay, whether you know it or not. On average, studies have put the gay population at around 4% of the population (they range anywhere from 1 to 10%), which is around one in twenty-five people. Speaking out against homophobia might be enough to put you in someone’s safe zone, and will surely make life easier for gay people who already have to deal with enough homophobia in their lives. And for those gay people in the Church who are already struggling deeply trying to figure out being gay and Christian, this may literally be a life saver.